"You'll just have to learn to live with it."
This was said to me yesterday.
What???? You mean with live with this pain for the rest of my life and leave it at that? You have nothing to offer me?
Oh, drugs. Yes, there’s always a pill to take. But what you are prescribing is addictive and I may not have nerve pain. I don’t even have a diagnosis. You want to medicate me without a valid reason for doing so?
Then, after the above comment was said to me (the others were only played out in my head), I needed to go to the church to get something. Turns out that something was prayer. The minute I walked in the door I fell apart. I was sobbing, gasping and a wreck. Poor pastors. They were so compassionate and comforting. They listened and prayed over me. It was very sweet.
I haven’t posted anything for a while because I frankly did not have anything to say. I’m here, still suffering, and still waiting on God. Wait. What??? Nothing to say. That’s not true because I have a testimony of God’s grace in my life. I have strength when I shouldn’t. I did five days of VBS. I kayaked to church (in a tandem) last Sunday. That was totally fun. I am underlining a ton of stuff in my new study Bible – Andrew got me a New Living Translation, and I really love it. I needed to shake up my Bible study time. It has been very refreshing.
I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised Him from the dead. I want to suffer with Him, sharing in His death. Philippians 3:10
I know this verse. But it hit me on July 9th that I really do want to know and to experience and to suffer. I want to know EVERYTHING I can about Jesus while I am here so He is not a stranger to me when I finally get to heaven. How do I do that? By studying His Word. Meditating on it. Memorizing it. And doing what it says.
When I was with the pastors, I said that I had been chewing on Philippians 3:10. It then occurred to me that I was on the path to knowing Christ in a new real way. He suffered much while on earth. Rejection, mistrust, pain, distance from His Father, death. If I am serious about wanting to know Christ more, then to know is to experience.
I can say that chocolate tastes like velvet. It’s smooth, creamy, cool and so decadent. But what if I stop there? I haven’t taken a bite. I don’t really know that chocolate. I only know what’s said about it. I need to eat chocolate to really know how marvelous it is. Ok, wait a minute. Some fat bombs are calling me. I’ll be right back.
Do you see what I mean? If I am to know Christ, then I need to experience suffering. I have heard it said that the way to the Cross is on the path of suffering. I don’t really like it any more than the rest of you, but it’s true. To have a deeper understanding of Jesus is to suffer. And suffering, I believe, comes in different forms. Physical, relational, financial, or whatever is a struggle for you. Mine happens to be physical right now. And it is getting more intense as time drags on.
My son, Andrew, sent me a song a couple of weeks ago.
Boy, was this hard to listen to. But as I listened I even said out loud, that I would still love Jesus whether He chose to heal me or not. It literally just occurred to me that I give more lip service to that than I should. Let me explain.
I was talking to my good friend Belinda the other day about counseling. She said something that struck a chord with me. When you counsel someone they usually will dump on you. You know, go into every detail of this or that. And not just one time. It becomes a pattern for them to spill their guts to you. You are left holding the dead chicken and they walk away feeling great – a big load just got off their chest. Hence, the dead chicken. What I am supposed to do with their dead chicken – their mess? Well, here is where Belinda said something very insightful. She shared that when this happens she allows it to go on for three or so times before she stops the counselee. She explains to the counselee that they have been dumping all kinds of things on to a table. It’s been left there, and the pile is getting bigger. She then asks them, “What part of this pile could you help with? What could you do to remove things from the pile? What responsibility will you take to get out of the mess?” Meaning, if finances are tight, why do you keep going to the mall? Or, if that relationship is sour, why do you keep engaging in the fight? Step back a little. Does that make sense? It sure did to me.
So, back to my lip service. I say that I want to know Christ and to know and experience Him and His suffering. But, then I have a ‘woe is me’ attitude???? I dumped all the junk on the table of suffering and I walked away. And then I keep coming back and adding more stuff. More hurt, more pain, more whining. Grow up girl. Act like you believe what the Bible says. It says God hears:
For He has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy [the affliction of the afflicted – KJV]. He has not turned back on them, but has listened to their cries for help. Psalm 22:24
How’s that for a promise??? I read this every month on the 22nd. Is it just now finally starting to sink in? Am I walking around forgetting that I have a God on the throne? That He is King? That He loves me? That He’s good?
You are good and do only good. Teach me your decrees. Psalm 119:68
Yes, Jesus, teach me. I am lonely and afflicted.
Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress [desolate and afflicted – KJV]. Psalm 25:16
Help me Lord Jesus in my unbelief. I repent of it. I confess that I have not believed in You fully and completely. I want what I want. And that is wrong. I want to want what You deem is best for me. I give my physical body to you. Have Your way. If suffering is Your way, then so be it.
I want to know You more. I want to experience You as much as I can. I give up. I’ll stop fighting and let You have complete and full reign in my life.