We are to walk by faith not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
I want a flashlight because I am so tired of walking where I cannot see. I am in a situation where I really need God’s leading and thus the flashlight. But He is asking me to walk by faith.
Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
This is God’s definition of faith. And I think where I go sideways is when I begin to forget His definition and operate in my own. Let me explain.
I will say that I have faith. Or even enough faith. I even say to this mountain, flee, and it flees, as Jesus instructs us in His Word. I do this all the time. But, it is as if I say one thing and act in another. I can say from my head that God is calling me higher, but I am finding it difficult to walk it out.
I want that flashlight. I want to see the road up ahead with all of its turns, curves, switchbacks, dead ends. I want to know where I am going.
But as I already know, and continue to discover, I am on a as-needed-to-know basis with God. For instance, if I knew that by going to Disneyland all day, walking all over the park in one day, and that would result in an injury that has led me to this, I would not have gone. I mean, this is NOT the line I was waiting in at the park. At all. No way. I would never get in a line – on purpose – that leads to a ride of suffering. NEVER. I mean, that would be “not right in the head” to quote a dear friend.
Therefore, if God is calling me to walk by faith, how do I do this? How do I keep going when my shoes walked out on me? I don’t even wear shoes by the way – I cannot. God, I am listening, and You, alone, have my full and complete attention.
“Speak, LORD, Your servant is listening.” 1 Samuel 3:10
I am listening with my ears and with my heart. What my husband and I have talked about many times in the last weeks, is that we just do the next thing while we are waiting. We do what we know to do. If it is 7 AM, then I am in my morning devotion and prayer time drinking my decaf latte (so delicious, homemade cashew milk, stevia and low acid, fair trade organic decaf. Don’t knock it until you try it!). Then, I will have breakfast, then start my day. And so on. Having this mindset has helped me get through the tough times. And I am in one right now. Instead of getting easier, the stakes are getting higher, the game is more intense, the flames are being turned up in the fire.
Because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. James 1:3
Yes. This is the portion of my walk where I am in the desert and it’s hot. Some things need the testing in order to prove that they work. An appliance stops working, you work on it, and then you do a trial run. You are testing it to proved that you fixed it. I was going to type: "not that my faith needs fixing…” But, I got a little prick in my spirit. Ah-ha.
Now I am on to something.
My faith needs an adjustment. God wants me to trust Him more, and He is giving me opportunities to prove to Him that I can be trusted here and now for the there and coming up. He who is faithful with little will be faithful with much. Folks, this scares me. If God is testing me this much, what endurance is He wanting me to develop? “Something that does not waiver under pressure.” Were the words that popped into my head. LIterally as I was typing this for this post, real time.
I do choke. Buckle. Falter. Crumble. Cry. Give up. Stop.
And I will repeat here what I have said many times this year, not knowing that I would be writing this today, “Lord, increase my faith.” I had prayed this prayer months before my feet got injured. Months. It has been a cry of my heart for a while. I think I am beginning to see the answer to that sincere prayer. If I only knew, then as I said earlier, I would not have gotten in this line. If I knew that 9 months of injury, with 6 months of true agony, would be the catalyst to increase my faith, I probably would have run the other way. No. Not probably. I would have. I had done the suffering gig. I was over it.
But the beauty of God can be seen in this answer to my prayer. When we pray, we want and expect an answer. Rightly so. This is what God wants us to do. And, if we truly believe that He is SOVEREIGN and wants what's best for us and that which will bring Him the most glory, then His answer IS the best answer. I just think it took a Mack truck for me to see it. Why did it take me so long? I think it's because I want the CliffsNotes version for an answer. I want all the blessings/nuggets/gold without really having an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father. I want the answer so I can move on, all the while, Jesus is asking me to stay a while.
This morning, a friend sent me a song that she found very helpful in her own personal trial. THIS is the one she sent, Even If by MercyMe. I had to play it twice to let my heart take it in. Yes, Lord, even if the healing doesn't come.
God, in His mercy is working for my good and His glory. He is increasing my faith. He is giving me opportunities to work out my faith with fear and trembling. I can add to my faith, knowledge, understanding, love and more. I can allow God access to my heart to actually accomplish this. My job is to let Him have free reign. Since He is light, He is all the Light I ever need to find the path. I do not need that flashlight after all.
But to be honest, if it’s from my Father’s hand, then I want it. I want everything He has for me. Everything. And I want it for His glory. My life for His glory. God, it’s all Yours.
