WHEN IT'S NOT OVER
I just have to write it out. I read this verse today, and I am reminded that I need to worship.
Honor the LORD for the glory of His name. Worship the LORD in the splendor of His holiness. Psalm 29:2
I have come to the conclusion that God is most pleased with my worship when I am in suffering – and that is an awful statement to type out, but let me explain. When I am suffering I spend more time in worship and prayer. My focus is straight on Him. My attention is riveted toward Him. I am His, and He is mine.
I am in the middle of a crisis. I thought I was through with suffering when I was healed, but I am not. I have written about this before, but I have Grave’s disease. This is an autoimmune disease of hyperthyroidism. It has been a journey and a half for sure. And then to compound the problem, I have Histamine Intolerance, multiple food/environmental allergies that are giving me lots of other issues. My functional medicine doctor had suggested I look into MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome) and I did last night. While I was suffering with an allergic reaction. I was in shock. All along I have come to the conclusion that my allergies are what has been in the driver’s seat for the thyroid problem. And my doctors concur. So, now, I come across this
and it is a massive full-system syndrome – Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. I am still researching, but it is looking pretty likely. I appreciate your prayers.
So, back to the situation I find myself in with Jesus. I know it is not good to interject things into your walk with the Lord that cannot be backed up by Scripture – so, I need to be careful in how I word things. When I read the Psalms, I am more and more comforted by the writings of David. He got it. He was a man on the run and he suffered at the hands of men as well as at his own indiscretion with Bathsheeba. Suffering because of sin is not the same as suffering for anything else, by the way. I read:
It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn Your decrees. Psalm 119:71
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey Your word. Psalm 119:67
These verses were my bedrock in the original affliction. All those hours in my bed, staring at those walls for hours, days, months on end. I really devoured God’s Word during those days. And my prayer life was constant. Not saying that has changed, but in a way it has. It is not as passionate. There is not a desperation to my life. I am busier than ever, mostly because I can feed animals, do housework and go grocery shopping (although John took the reins this week because of my crisis). I felt good. Strong.
She sets about her work vigorously, her arms are strong for her tasks. Proverbs 31:17
I was living this verse. I have felt really strong, so was surprised by this very large setback. I was ready to put away the suffering clothes, so to speak. You know, widow’s weeds. If you have done any reading of literature from the 1800’s you would be familiar with that term. A widow would wear black as a sign of mourning, and usually for a prescribed period of time. Well, I was ready to take off the old and put on the new. But……
Ok, God. You have my attention. What is it that You are trying to tell me? Oh, it’s that verse again from Philippians, isn’t it?
I had been praying that a lot lately and I believe the LORD is telling me just now that THIS is part of the knowing. This turn around on the suffering lap is about knowing Christ more. Have you ever noticed that God is not as interested in our comfort as we are? I mean, I want a life of ease and answered prayer. He wants a sanctified Christian. I want my own time. He wants my time to be given to Him. I want to please self. He wants me to please Him. This is the lesson in suffering. It comes to dying to self and living for Christ. You would think that after all these years that I would see this one coming. I mean it is the same message that I heard in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018. And now I am hearing it again in 2019. As I was typing out those years, I was a little shocked to see them stacked up like that.
You know when you remember a hard thing and it takes your breath away with remembrance? The pain is right on the surface instantaneously. You are right back in that place. Well, I was in that last paragraph in that place. I was not anticipating it, but there I was in my room. On my bed. In affliction.
So, what am I trying to say in all this rambling?
Worship Him. Period. In suffering. In affliction. In sickness and in health. He is the Bridegroom and I am the bride., after all. And He never leaves me. Ever. So, I am to worship Him for who He is. He is worthy. He is wonderful. He is awesome. Did you know that He knew the plan of salvation before He even spoke a word at creation? I am studying Romans 3 right now, and I have had to stop, allow the tears to flow, because God is so good.
You are good, and what You do is good; teach me Your decrees. Psalm 119:68
If you notice, I wrote out three verses from the same stanza in Psalm 119. This stanza is me. It fits me like a glove. This glove has become worn with age. But it’s comfortable because I know that my Saviour has me right where He wants me.
It is not over, until it’s over. I’m ok with that.
AMENDMENT: I sat on this blog over the weekend and I was praying the Lord's Prayer last night, as I do every night, and I was struck by a new thought. "Give us this day, our daily bread." Since I am gluten free, this bread has always been gf for me. And I am very grateful for it. But, it is His STRENGTH that is the daily bread for me that I need right now. And He does give it. He is a Strong and Mighty Warrior waiting for me to just ask for His provisions. So I asked.