It has been a few months since my healing yet there are ripple effects still going. I dreamed of these days and prayed that they would happen. But, what happened? I was afflicted for five years, five years mind you, and something that long takes time to recover. Whether we knew it or not, we had developed habits and pattern for this “new normal”. I could not go grocery shopping, so John did. I couldn’t clean the house, so I did the kitchen on the big cleaning days. I didn’t do outside chores. Etc., etc., etc. So, here we are 6 months down the road and we are doing the same thing. Why? I am not quite sure. I have been thinking about praying about this for over a week and I haven’t come to any concrete conclusions, but some ideas.
Old habits die hard.
Since the initial healing, there have been times when I am not operating at 100 percent, to be honest. It gives me grief, that ol’ side of mine, and I wish it didn’t. It very much is a reminder of my affliction.
Set your minds on things above and not on earthly things. Colossians 3:2
I have not forgotten the ordeal that I (and we) went through. It was life-changing. When I see the scarring on my side and feel the old pains, I am reminded of God’s hand on me. It causes me to look up and to thank Him anew for His healing. I am NOT the way that I was. I was incapacitated. I was in a wheelchair for Pete’s sake. I dragged my self where I wanted to go. So, I am grateful. I thank Jesus all the time for the healing.
But, back to my mutton. Old habits. I guess it’s because I am not all the way better that we have gone so slow. I have the desire to do things, but sometimes I jut don't have the ganas (Spanish for, there really isn't a great translation, but umph, desire, kinda-wanna). But, it is getting there. Slow, steady, eventually. My mind has all these great plans, but then I forget that my body has to cooperate with them.
The letting go and the picking up.
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
My world is still full of unknowns, but I am to walk by faith. Without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6) So, I step out in faith and do what I was designed to do – be a wife and a mom. I love my job. I really do. I could not be happier that I am now. And, now I can do this role in a much healthier state.
There’s the thyroid stuff.
I wish I didn’t know where my thyroid was in my body let alone what its function is. But alas, I do now. And, it is a full time job to get well. Because I am doing a natural protocol right now, it is babysitting my 22+ supplements, my different diet, my rest, and even my doctor visits. So, I traded an affliction for a disease.
But, it has been by God’s design. He knew that I would need to be constantly reminded of my need for Him. I needed to...
Rejoice in the Lord always. Phil 4:4
When I am feeling good, it is very easy for me to coast. Sail through life. God is teaching me to sail, all the while clamped in the yoke that He holds out for me. It is His design for me to dig deep and to die to myself. THIS has been the biggest lesson of all.
I AM A SELFISH PERSON.
There. I said it. And I repent. Lord Jesus, please forgive me. I lay myself on the altar. I pick up my cross and follow Jesus. Daily. My cross – my self. I want to make it about me – Jesus wants to make it about Him. When I accepted His gift of salvation, I died with Christ. It is no longer I that live, but Christ in me. So, if it’s Him, then it is no longer me, clamoring for my rights. I don’t have any. I am nothing and Christ is everything. But oh, this beast does not die easily. It is fighting with its last breath. And fighting hard. I stumble, and grumble. I lose my temper and I want my way. But the way of the Cross is the better way. Jesus is the example and my attitude should be that of Christ Jesus. I am so glad that Jesus is gracious. If it were up to me, I would have given up on me a long time ago.
And that is the mind of Christ. Humble. Unselfish.