On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it. Then he broke it in pieces and said, “This is my body which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” 1 Corinthians 11:23b-24 (NLT)
It occurred to me this morning that I have another layer of fellowship with the Lord that He wants me to know. That of a broken body. Not that mine is any where near where His was, but I began to see deeper meaning to my affliction journey.
I had gone to Coach yesterday and in better shape, I thought, than I was 10 days prior. Well, looks can be deceiving they say. I was a mess. And he was brutal in putting my whole body back together. Cuboids had slipped, hips out, ribs out, neck out, calves a mess, other parts of my feet a disaster. Etc. I hurt more even before I left his clinic.
As I was thinking about it today, I crumbled under the knowledge of this new step of faith God is taking me. Not that I crumbled, but rather, I felt unworthy to know Christ in His suffering to this level.
It doesn’t help that I am studying the word crucifixion right now either – I am getting it from all sides. But, that is the way God works with me.
In realizing my body is broken, I am at a place of identification with our Lord which I thought was for others. However, I am here because God has it for me. Having broken feet for the last two and a half years was, in my opinion, a lot. Having a broken body as part of my recovery process – wow – it’s a whole new thing.
I hurt more all over. Who knew how involved one’s entire body is involved with walking? Well, maybe PT’s and doctors. But to me, walking was just walking. I am now understanding how much more involved it is. One’s eyes need to be focused ahead. One’s hips need to do certain things. And all done without a conscious thought, usually.
One thing I know, I have not even started PT yet. Not one stitch. Am I the only one alarmed at this? I know it’s coming, but if it’s been all this time and I am still doing nothing, then what is coming must be a doozy!! Plus, the feet are not completely stable – even though Coach assures me I am progressing (I have GOT to trust him in this).
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Yes, it is true. What I fear, I need not because God is with me. He will not abandon me. He has brought me thus far. He is with me at all times, and is in my future, so He will give me the endurance that I need for the next step. I am at a place in my healing journey where the thought of doing one more thing is exhausting. Before, when I knew it was time to go see Coach, I would go, even at the early morning hours that I have to go (leaving home at 6:20 AM to drive the 45 miles to the clinic). Now, I struggle with the thought of going but know I need to so he can put this humpty dumpty back together again.
Yes, I have called myself that and even sent him a gif of this (the the exact one I sent is on the left). However, I never sat on a wall, nor had a great fall. I just had a great day at Disneyland!
God is good to me. To bring me to a place of fellowship with Him in suffering is, indeed, an honor. Who says these things? I mean really? Those who want to learn in suffering and desire to know more of Christ and be in fellowship with Him. The price is real – but the rewards are out of this world. It brings me to my knees when I think I can identify with His broken body – the one broken for me. My suffering pales in comparison to His, pales, but if He wants me to know Him more, then, let Him. I allow Him to choose me.
These words are not easy, nor are they ones I say to just anyone. This is the real me talking (or writing). My desire is to please God in all things. And suffering is my jam right now, so I have to chose to please Him in this, which is my life at the moment. Frankly I am so tired of my chair, my 4 walls, my inability to engage in keeping my home. However, when I submit to the Father’s will, I see He has something more in mind.
Identification. Prayer. Sanctification. Worship. Study. Wholeness.
In Him is life and that which is abundant. (John 10:10)
God’s abundant life for me includes a broken body. Not forever, but for now. I can thank Him and praise Him and I can say, “Thy will be done.”
Lord, You alone know the depth of the true brokenness of Your Son. My understanding cannot conceive it. But take my life and let it be consecrated all to Thee. All of it. Use me to do Your will and to accomplish Your glory in my life. May my brokenness be a vessel to shine Your light to a broken world. AMEN